Living with side effects

I've tried to not be one to complain. Generally speaking, I probably do this more often than I think I do. ;) Nevertheless, I made a pact with myself not to walk around talking about how bad I have it. I am often humbled by people I run into and stories of things they have to face. And I know that what I am going through is only a small portion of all the things making the world go round. It's taken my time to write because I wasn't sure how to approach my feelings and reactions to what I am going through, without it sounding like I'm whining about my life. Finally after much deliberation, I remembered the reason I started this blog was to share what I am going through to help other people. Whether that be comforting someone going through something similar, teaching others about health and screening, or even making people aware of others who are going through hardships and how to support, I knew I wanted to do this. So here it is, the down and dirty of the crap I've endured. Enjoy. :)

I can't even remember my last blog, so if I repeat myself I apologize. Actually I take that back. I'm just too lazy to re-read my long ass posts so deal with it. ;) 

I don't remember the first two days of chemo. Since I had my port put in the same day, everything is all foggy from the versed that gave me. (It is given before surgeries to make you forget anything during and right after the surgery.) I remember sitting in the warm chair with a heated blanket, drifting back and forth into sleep. The following day at home was a lot of sleep too, with not much activity. Sunday was day 3, and I was starting to feel the side effects. When I heard about people going through chemo, I imagined sweaty nauseous people throwing up all over the place, just spewing puke. This what not the case for me. My stomach cramped a lot throughout the day, but my nausea pills took care of that. I would wake up and feel like it was bed time. I didn't feel rested or have any energy. It felt like I just came down with the flu. My body was heavy and stiff, my muscles were weak, and my eyes could barely stay open. This happened Sunday, Monday and part of Tuesday. I decided to try working a half day on Monday and I could barely stand up. I am stubborn and independent, and I wanted to prove I was going to make it through this fight "normal." I could barely keep my eyes open, had no infliction in my tone and appeared as a walking zombie. Not to mention in the back of my head I was worrying about my hair. I was afraid to brush it, wash it or even touch it for that matter. I had this huge lump in my throat like I was awaiting a prison sentence. When will it come out? I've been told it falls out in chunks. Just big old chunks lightly pulling away from your scalp. Ew. NO thank you. 

Day 4 started off slow, but I started to get my energy back. With an extremely busy day of work, patients coming in and out, I didn't have much time for pity. From running around, cleaning the room, taking x-rays. getting the doctor, getting supplies and cleaning teeth, I barely had 20 minutes to sit down. It was an exhausting day, but my energy levels started to go way up.

I finally let go of the fear of my hair falling out. I know it's coming, but I have to enjoy it while its here. No more wasting time feeling sorry or worrying, its still here today. That's what counts.

The week went well from there forward. Friday, Day 7, I had a follow up for lab work. I was in a rush since it was my only day off, so I was fitting in 3 doctor's appointments. They drew my blood and talked with me, and I bragged about how fabulous I was feeling. They let me go without the results due to time, and I hurried off to the plastic surgeon an hour away. He put more saline in my expanders to stretch my skin some more. 

I receive a phone call telling me that I need to hurry back. My A and C numbers were 0.1 meaning I had almost no immune system. They needed me at the hospital immediately to give me a shot of Nuepogen to stimulate my bone marrow to make white blood cells. I was instructed to stay home all weekend and come back Monday morning for more lab work. Monday came and I had blood drawn again. This time I waited. ;)

My A and C count was 0. None. Going backward? So again, another shot of Nuepogen, no public and return in the morning for labs. It brought me back to earth to see how things were going. I realized how scary all of this is and that I am not invincible. I needed to start listening to my body and start eating, hydrating and resting right. I allowed myself to be sad that I wasn't as strong as I thought my body was. Then I told myself to build a bridge and get over it!

Yesterday as I was cleaning at home, my back started to hurt. It was a deep bone pain, similar to the pressure I felt when I was pregnant with Colton. His body was laying on my sciatic nerve and my back was constantly in a shocking pain. The more steps I took, the more excruciating it got. I ran to the couch and sat down. Sharp, stabbing, electric sparks shot up and down my tailbone, spine and back of my neck. I was rendered still in pain, as I cried and waited for the pain to subside. I grabbed my heating pad and sat on it and waited. It started to lessen and I felt a little better. I remembered that a side effect of the Nuepogen is bone pain. That means the shot is working, and your body is making your baby white blood cells (immature white blood cells) to mature into infection fighting ones. I was exhausted, in pain, and relieved that my body started to kick ass. THIS is what I was waiting for. 

This morning was another lab. One more blood draw and 40 minutes to wait for results. Lab work came back and this tough chick is back in fighting mode! Although the bone pain kept me up all night, and still shoots up and down my back and head today, I know my immune system is ready to rock. This is only cycle 1, and I have 5 more cycles of this roller coaster to attend. This party is JUST getting started!!!!!