Chopping off my hair

After my surgeon's appointment, I felt so much willpower and incredible strength knowing how soon I would be starting everything. I was happy to have a time frame in mind and an idea of how long everything would take. Since I knew this would happen in less than a month, I wanted to take a drastic step in facing what I'm about to endure. I drove to the haircut place and told them to cut it all off so I could donate it to locks of love. 

All three ladies at the store had no customers, so I shared my story. They were all surprised to hear me talk about it so openly and to walk in with no fear to do this. I was excited to start something new that would prove I am ready to take this on. After they cut it, I started to tear up. I looked at my new hair in the mirror and started to take it all in. I thanked them and went to pay, when they told me that donations to locks of love waive your fee for your cut. I was so humbled and felt so unbelievably special. 

I came home and got ready for my first night out- girls night. I did my hair as soon as I got home, put on make up and left right away. We ate, exchanged gifts, and I met a lot of wonderful new people who also listened to my story. We danced and laughed and I felt like I was ready to face my future. 

Then I woke up the next day and looked in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. "Oh my God," I exclaimed as I remembered what I had done. My hair was flat, short, and dull. I didn't have make up on or sparkly jewelry. I suddenly felt so vulnerable, so unsure of myself. I hurried to get ready again. I didn't like the way I looked and wanted to feel better. I curled my hair and put on clothes. I looked in the mirror again and realized I wasn't ready for this. 

I started to struggle with my new look. I knew it looked good, I knew it wasn't awful, but I felt so lost without my long hair. My hair has been my identity my whole life. I've always been the girl with long blonde hair and now it was all gone. I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt guilty that something so trivial changed the way I felt about myself. But that's the thing- it isn't anything trivial at all. It's like a divorce, a death, a break-up. It's something you didn't want but were forced to deal with. It was an important step for me- to make this choice and be a part of something bigger than myself and my problems. But it was harder than I thought.

Like I mentioned before, I had struggled with finding myself for so many years. I had come to terms with all my flaws and insecurities and had accepted the person I was. When I look into the mirror now, there is no hiding what lies before me. There's no pretending that this isn't happening. I can't look in the mirror and see the same old girl and try to pretend this isn't happening. I am faced to deal with reality everyday. 

Katie told me that it is easier to lose your hair when it is short. She reminded me that I already took a HUGE step by saying good-bye to half of my hair: something I've loved about myself always. So it was a big step forward on my part. It'll make it easier in February when I start chemo and have to deal with it falling out. I'm happy I was strong enough to do it, but struggling with learning to love the new me.