Shower

Took a shower this morning... I put on my pandora and listened to music, stepped in the warm water. Started to wash my hair as it lathered. I stopped for a second and realized what I was doing, washing my hair. I thought about it harder. What would it be like without it? I've had long hair ever since I could remember. In high school, I did my hair different every single day in hopes I'd win "prettiest hair." I've dyed it, cut it, styled it every day of my life. I ran my hair through my hands, let the water wash over it. I imagined how it would feel when I watch it go down the drain. My friend told me it comes out in clumps. She told me she was scared of brushing her hair or showering, because that's when it would fall out.

I look down at my breasts. Little and perky. Something I had been self conscious about my entire life. I always wanted bigger ones. And now I'm looking at them, getting ready to say goodbye. I thought about what God was teaching me. I silently cried under the steam and the water. Prepared myself for a life I'm scared to take on. I told myself I am strong enough to prove to my daughter how beautiful someone is because of who they are. As I wept thinking about all of the time I spent getting used to and accepting my own body, I realized I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I held my breasts and laid my head on the shower wall. I cried for the times I felt insecure. I cried for the times that boys told me I wasn't good enough. I cried for times I felt unpretty, unloved and unsure. I thought about all the moments of my life I spent wishing I was something else. And I cried.

My wish of bigger boobs is suddenly granted. But I don't want it. "I take it back." I said to God. I get it now. I get how selfish and silly I was. I get how incredibly trivial my worries were before and I understand now I've become the person I've always wanted to be. I finally love every last inch of me.

I let myself cry for a half an hour. The water turned cold and I was brought back to reality. This is coming, and I need to be prepared. Take a little in at a time, breath by breath. I took a deep breath and thought of Lilianna. I thought about how hard fitting in during school was and how important how I looked was. Then I thought about how hard I've worked at being a good, special and caring person. I thought about all the people that loved me for who I was on the inside. And I stepped out of the shower. I made a vow to prove to her, the little mini version of me that I would be beautiful no matter what.