To chemo, and BEYOND!

I feel a huge weight on my shoulders. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not keeping up with my blog during some of the hardest parts of this journey: Chemo. 

Can't exactly explain why I didn't keep up. I know I fought tooth and nail to be normal. I fought to live a normal life aside from chemo, losing my hair, losing friends, transitioning through relationships and missing work. A part of me wanted to pretend that life was normal and I was unaffected. Fake it til you make it, right? The funny thing is, anytime I got too ahead of myself and just when I thought things were normal, God would find a way of humbling me. Soooo many times I fought against sickness or pain to be somewhere important to me. I would get ready to leave and as I was walking down the stairs, I would get light headed and almost faint. I'd sit down in huge disappointment that I couldn't do what I wanted to do, and feel sorry for myself that I couldn't be normal. It plays into the whole "you appreciate your health the moment you start getting sick" thing. You know what I mean? You're laying there miserable on the couch, not able to breath cuz your nose is stuffy. Your throat is so sore you can't even talk. Your head is pounding so bad you can't even see straight or think straight. And suddenly you are given this thought of how great it felt to not feel that way. The whole 'you appreciate what you have when you don't have it' thing. 

I DO regret not blogging more. I think a big part of me kept inside the hurt and struggles I went through to myself and only those close to me, mostly because it was very hard for me to take on. It's hard to share what chemo is like, because not even the people literally sitting next to your side the ENTIRE time (Kelly!) never really knew how it felt. 

I spent SO much time trying to come up with ways to describe it. Granted it affects everyone differently, I do believe it also affects us emotional very much the same. Losing my hair was rough. Waking up with no hair, no eyelashes, no eye brows and feeling beautiful? Nearly impossible. Feeling good about yourself when yourself literally doesn't feel good? VERY hard to do. But you know what? It humbled me. It taught me that even when we want something soooooo bad, God may not want it for us. Even if I tried to get ready to go out and be there for someone, I physically may not have been able to do so. As someone who strived to be there for every person that ever needed me, it was very very very hard for me to learn to choose my health first. The many times I didn't, I ended up making things worse and even got myself in the hospital for five days. When you think you feel like a million bucks, you have to remember that there's hardly any functioning blood cells in your body so you can not accomplish a lot of what you used to be able to. It's kind of like when you give blood and they make you sit down, eat cookies and drink juice to make sure your blood sugar is at a stable level before you leave. The feeling you get right after if you don't eat or don't listen to them when they ask to not do anything strenuous right after. (Like rip out an entire rug by yourself, that I unfortunately had to learn the hard way!)

I've gone through a whole hell of a lot since I last talked to you. To the people who never left my side, THANK YOU. To the people who fought with me through this journey and held me up when I was weak, I won't ever forget it. To the relationships I lost over it, I'm sorry. I learned that life is short and it's not worth it to waste time with the wrong people. I learned that I don't owe anyone anything. That it's okay to put myself first sometimes even if it hurts someone else. I have had to deal with hurting people I love because I had to choose myself first, and it hasn't been easy. I've let go of things that used to hurt me or weigh me down, because now it's finally time to fly. No more looking back with regret, no more guilt for the things I couldn't do or couldn't make come true. I'm insanely humbled by the people I've met, the opportunities I've been given and the experiences I've got to share with you. This isn't the end of my blog, nor the end of the story. This is my apology for leaving you and the beginning of letting you in on some of the hardest things I've ever faced and have grown from. I can't wait to share everything I've taken away from this. I can't wait to help other people grow.

All my love,

Missy