Chopping off my hair

After my surgeon's appointment, I felt so much willpower and incredible strength knowing how soon I would be starting everything. I was happy to have a time frame in mind and an idea of how long everything would take. Since I knew this would happen in less than a month, I wanted to take a drastic step in facing what I'm about to endure. I drove to the haircut place and told them to cut it all off so I could donate it to locks of love. 

All three ladies at the store had no customers, so I shared my story. They were all surprised to hear me talk about it so openly and to walk in with no fear to do this. I was excited to start something new that would prove I am ready to take this on. After they cut it, I started to tear up. I looked at my new hair in the mirror and started to take it all in. I thanked them and went to pay, when they told me that donations to locks of love waive your fee for your cut. I was so humbled and felt so unbelievably special. 

I came home and got ready for my first night out- girls night. I did my hair as soon as I got home, put on make up and left right away. We ate, exchanged gifts, and I met a lot of wonderful new people who also listened to my story. We danced and laughed and I felt like I was ready to face my future. 

Then I woke up the next day and looked in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. "Oh my God," I exclaimed as I remembered what I had done. My hair was flat, short, and dull. I didn't have make up on or sparkly jewelry. I suddenly felt so vulnerable, so unsure of myself. I hurried to get ready again. I didn't like the way I looked and wanted to feel better. I curled my hair and put on clothes. I looked in the mirror again and realized I wasn't ready for this. 

I started to struggle with my new look. I knew it looked good, I knew it wasn't awful, but I felt so lost without my long hair. My hair has been my identity my whole life. I've always been the girl with long blonde hair and now it was all gone. I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt guilty that something so trivial changed the way I felt about myself. But that's the thing- it isn't anything trivial at all. It's like a divorce, a death, a break-up. It's something you didn't want but were forced to deal with. It was an important step for me- to make this choice and be a part of something bigger than myself and my problems. But it was harder than I thought.

Like I mentioned before, I had struggled with finding myself for so many years. I had come to terms with all my flaws and insecurities and had accepted the person I was. When I look into the mirror now, there is no hiding what lies before me. There's no pretending that this isn't happening. I can't look in the mirror and see the same old girl and try to pretend this isn't happening. I am faced to deal with reality everyday. 

Katie told me that it is easier to lose your hair when it is short. She reminded me that I already took a HUGE step by saying good-bye to half of my hair: something I've loved about myself always. So it was a big step forward on my part. It'll make it easier in February when I start chemo and have to deal with it falling out. I'm happy I was strong enough to do it, but struggling with learning to love the new me.

Surgery

Chemo bling my mom got for me :)

I had my first appointment with the breast surgeon who will be removing the cancer. It's a female, and has the same name as my mom. She examined me and then discussed everything that surgery would entail while including my mom and my aunt. She explained that the lump was smaller than two cm, and that both armpits did not show signs of any swollen lymph nodes. She described the further testing I will have done such as a sentinel node biopsy. This will be the first thing they do on the day of the surgery. They inject a needle in my breast and blue dye flows to the first lymph nodes that collect the fluid and white blood cells from my breasts. This is my first line of defense of my lymph system- meaning that if there were any cancer cells that left the site of the lump, it would have to travel to the sentinel nodes that turn blue. They will then remove the sentinel nodes and biopsy them during my surgery. If it shows that any cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, more will have to be removed. 

Then the doctor talked to me about the surgeries and options. She stated that if I chose to have a lumpectomy, She would have to go back in to the same spot and remove a very large margin of tissue. With the size of my breasts, she said that over half of the tissue would be gone and it would be significantly different in size. Not only that, but it would also increase my risk for a second breast cancer due to me leaving the tissue there. 

I also learned that even if I chose to have a mastectomy (removing of the entire breast) on one side, I will be at a higher risk for a second, primary cancer in the opposite breast. So I don't know how I would feel about knowing I have had breast cancer and have an increased chance of developing it again. Then we talked about a double mastectomy.

I looked at the doctor and said, "I'm twenty eight. I have a lot of years to live, and a three and four year old who need me. I don't want to be conservative or risk having to develop breast cancer a second time. I know I want a double mastectomy." The doctor looked at me and smiled, "I agree" she said. "Can I give you a hug?" the doctor asked. I walked around the table and hugged her and told her I was happy she was going to take care of me.

So there it is. I made a decision. It was MY decision, no one elses. I read and learned what I needed to, I thought about different options and how it would affect me, and this is what I want.

Doctor told me we start surgery next month. "No waiting, let's beat this" she said. I meet with the oncologist next week. He will be delivering my chemo and the doctor I see very frequently. 

I meet with the plastic surgeon the 18th. I asked my breast surgeon (that's all she practices) who she recommended, girl to girl. She pointed to a name on the list and I made the call and set the date.

I'm happy to have results, but scared for the battle that is coming soooo much more quickly than I had anticipated. Saddles up, back straight- time to start this ride...

Save the knockers, visit your Doctors!

So I haven't written because a lot has happened in my life that didn't have to do with me. My Uncle passed away that has been fighting cancer for 2 years. I got to say goodbye, but I've been taking it pretty hard. I've found it hard to put my feelings into words, and letting him go wasn't easy. He is an inspiration- a true fighter, and he will be in my heart for the rest of my life as someone I look up to.

On a positive note, I've decided to take this whole cancer thing and make it fun. I joke with my friends and family about it to make light of the situation. The truth is, the more I talk about it, the more I face it and realize it's real. I think if I didn't talk about it, I would pretend it wasn't happening. I joke with my dad that when you get cancer, you get funnier. He told me when you get cancer, you just get more sassy. :)

My best friend visited me yesterday. It was nice to talk about her wedding and stuff that didn't involve health care related events. It was fun to laugh about our memories and plan new ones. We drank an entire bottle of wine between the two of us (1.5 liters!)

I went to the grocery store yesterday, wearing my pink ribbon on my coat and the bagger told me she liked my ribbon. I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed and she shared her story. It's crazy how one bracelet, or one ribbon, opens people up to talking about their lives. It's a sisterhood I share with other women that makes me feel like they understand.

I find out my genetic results in a couple of days. This will help me make the right decision on what type of surgery I will need and start all my testing. I pray that I make the right decision (what I worry about all night.) Once I find out my results, I'll be sure to write about it to let my feelings out. I love you all ;)

Promises from a slug are meaningless

Know what's crazy about getting cancer? Everyone thinks they should be a better person because of you. It's as if suddenly you become an innocent and helpless person and people want to change the world for you. Know what's worse? Being told your worth the change, then being let down.

When I found out about my breast cancer, I got a lot of messages and text messages from people. People telling me they were sorry and were praying for me. People telling me they are here if I need anything. Then were those people who told me, "That's it, I'm going to quit smoking." "I'm going to do everything in my power to be there for you." Annnnnddd then nothing changes. It's silly of me to expect anything different, isn't it?

I remember when I moved back home after living away for 8 years. I thought my phone would be off the hook with people trying to hang out, but the truth is everyone was consumed with their own life. I was okay with that, I swear. I realized quick that everyone has their own problems to deal with. That I'm not the center of everyone's attention. 

What I do not understand is why people feel the need to make a promise they can't keep. Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I need you to become a nun. Or a surgeon. Or for that matter, something you're not. Promising me the world to make me feel special only makes me feel shitty when you go back to your own life consumed with yourself.

I got a text the weekend I found out. It said, "Hey do you have plans for the Packers game?" I was shocked. My phone had been blowing up with messages from friends, wanting to talk and console me. It was the first message someone had acted like I was a normal human being. Still surprised, I texted my friend back, "Nothing, why?" His response was, "Sorry, wrong person. My prayers are with you." Ouch.

I'm still me. I'm still independent, still strong. I'm a fighter and I don't give up. I don't need your empty promises, I don't need your shoulder to cry. I'll pick up all of the pieces myself and carry on. With or without cancer. 

Shower

Took a shower this morning... I put on my pandora and listened to music, stepped in the warm water. Started to wash my hair as it lathered. I stopped for a second and realized what I was doing, washing my hair. I thought about it harder. What would it be like without it? I've had long hair ever since I could remember. In high school, I did my hair different every single day in hopes I'd win "prettiest hair." I've dyed it, cut it, styled it every day of my life. I ran my hair through my hands, let the water wash over it. I imagined how it would feel when I watch it go down the drain. My friend told me it comes out in clumps. She told me she was scared of brushing her hair or showering, because that's when it would fall out.

I look down at my breasts. Little and perky. Something I had been self conscious about my entire life. I always wanted bigger ones. And now I'm looking at them, getting ready to say goodbye. I thought about what God was teaching me. I silently cried under the steam and the water. Prepared myself for a life I'm scared to take on. I told myself I am strong enough to prove to my daughter how beautiful someone is because of who they are. As I wept thinking about all of the time I spent getting used to and accepting my own body, I realized I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I held my breasts and laid my head on the shower wall. I cried for the times I felt insecure. I cried for the times that boys told me I wasn't good enough. I cried for times I felt unpretty, unloved and unsure. I thought about all the moments of my life I spent wishing I was something else. And I cried.

My wish of bigger boobs is suddenly granted. But I don't want it. "I take it back." I said to God. I get it now. I get how selfish and silly I was. I get how incredibly trivial my worries were before and I understand now I've become the person I've always wanted to be. I finally love every last inch of me.

I let myself cry for a half an hour. The water turned cold and I was brought back to reality. This is coming, and I need to be prepared. Take a little in at a time, breath by breath. I took a deep breath and thought of Lilianna. I thought about how hard fitting in during school was and how important how I looked was. Then I thought about how hard I've worked at being a good, special and caring person. I thought about all the people that loved me for who I was on the inside. And I stepped out of the shower. I made a vow to prove to her, the little mini version of me that I would be beautiful no matter what. 

Feelings

I am having a hard time identifying all of my feelings. Usually, when I have a problem, I search inside myself to find out how I feel about it. I'll ask, "Missy, what are you actually feeling about this and why?" Then once I find out what I'm truly feeling about it, I'll ask myself how I can fix it. Then, I set a goal and tell myself to do it. I use this strategy day to day, in every occasion. I find the easiest way for me to understand something is first to understand why I am feeling a certain way to a particular problem.

This one seems harder to figure out. I've avoided many people because I suddenly don't understand myself anymore. I'm suddenly confused and lost in my own skin. I have a billion of thoughts hovering above me, and no one to decode them for me. I have feelings I can yet identify and have sadness for reasons I can't even find out. For a girl that knew exactly who I was, exactly what I deserve and exactly what I wanted... it is very hard for me to fathom that I suddenly don't belong in my own body.

I mentioned before that I felt like I was a walking infection. I feel like I have a red flag attached to me- a marker. A warning sign to others. It isn't that anyone made me feel that way. It isn't that I'm worried I'll die. It's that I suddenly feel, well, different. 

Have you ever had a REALLLLLLY bad dream and woke up the next day and it loomed around all of the day? It's as if you wanna forget you had that dream but it keeps coming back to haunt you, like "I really wish I hadn't have killed that octopus, I just can't get over it." That happens to me ALL the time. And this time, it ISN'T a dream. All day long I spend trying to not cry. Trying to fight for the happy, bubbly, out-going Missy who makes everyone laugh. The confident girl that spends all of her time cheering everyone up. I fight for that girl all day long. But then I remember who I am. And what I'm having to go through.

I solve the problems I recognize little by little. I know I will most likely have the genetic mutation my aunt does. I know that I will most likely have a double mastectomy followed by surgery. I know that if so, there is a 50% chance I will ovarian cancer and they will suggest a hysterectomy at 35, which would put me through menopause. I am preparing for chemo, for losing my hair. I am preparing for being tired, and fighting through it. I am preparing for seeing my patients while I have a wig on, no eyebrows, no eyelashes and probably scaring them. All of that I'm doing okay dealing with. It's the alienation it creates just by being cancer that I can't figure out. How it makes you feel like no one understands and yet makes you feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself. I know my blogging will help me through my journey. I know I'll soon understand things bit by bit. 

Until then, I look forward to becoming the girl who fit so well in her own skin....

Greatful RED

I decided today's blog would be funny and uplifting. Mostly because God kept me VERY busy today...

I started out today with my appointment to see the surgeon. He removed my stitches from when he had taken out the lump and answered some more of my questions. I'm waiting for the results of the genetic testing to find out if I carry the gene my mother's sister does. This gene is called BRCA2 and has an 85% chance I will develop not only one breast cancer, but a SECOND breast cancer in my life. 

Then Lilianna had her annual appointment. It ended with a flu shot which always goes wonderfully. 

That's pretty much what she looked like. But then they bribed her with the treasure chest so that lasted about 34 seconds.

After was my first day back to work since finding out I have cancer. I'm usually very bubbly and out-going. My patients literally get to know me, as I do them. I was worried about how I would keep it buried inside of me. 

I was with my first patient and cleaning their teeth. They had an ENTIRE mouth full of gritty, chewy, prophy paste. You know the stuff they use at the end before they floss? I HATE leaving little chewy remnants in my patient's mouths. I go to rinse her mouth and realize my water stops working! I'm crawling on the floor, trying to reach and unwrap cords to figure out why the water isn't working. Eventually I decide to go get a cup, fill it with water, and then pour it into her mouth. I had to do this the entire rest of the day since our manager was out of the office. 

Then I was with my next patient. I get up out of the chair for the doctor to do the exam when one of the assistants whispers my name. I turn around and she lip syncs to me, "You bled through your coat." And I am thinking "OH MY GOD." Not only do I have a patient in my chair, not only do I have the doctor waiting on me to take notes, but I literally do not have ANY other clothes with me. Not to mention the fact that our lab coats are WHITE! I play it off like its cool while she grabs me another lab coat. The doctor leaves and the assistant takes my patient to the front for me (with my back facing away of course!) I quickly run to the bathroom and start frantically taking my pants off. There, in the dental office bathroom, is me in my underwear, socks, and shoes... scrubbing my bloody pants in the sink! I quickly dab them with napkins and put them back on. Quickly enough to run out of the bathroom and act like nothing had happened. :)

I decided it was a good day. I stayed busy. I laughed. I talked with my friends and my patients. I was happy.

I log onto facebook and see one of my friends invites me to play FARMVILLE. After TONS of messages and love about getting cancer, I silently laugh to myself and think, "I have CANCER, NO I don't wanna play you in fucking Farmville!"

Just wanted to share the laughter from my day. I understood that God was keeping me too busy to wallow in my own pity, and for that I am extremely grateful. 

Lump check please!

Last night was my first night out knowing I had breast cancer. I drove to my cousin's house in terror that I would not be able to keep it together all night, wondering if I could be strong enough to leave the focus on my Aunt. My Aunt who had her bachelorette party that night and who deserved the focus. 

We took a bus ride to Milwaukee. 30 girls, alcohol, and a Bride to be, all happy and eager to go out dancing and live carefree. Deep inside I felt like a walking infection, like I should stay away from people who are normal. But the company of my cousins and aunts quickly re-routed my thinking.

By the time we got to the Drag show, I had already had a half a bottle of wine. (What kind you ask? MOSCATO! The BEST kind ever!) My family had given me a hug and made me laugh by distracting my attention all night. I hadn't had to tell my story or talk about it yet.

We sit down at the first table and the subject comes up. I have cancer. There. I said it. I admitted it. But strangely no one got up and ran away. Did I expect that would really happen? My cousins started to ask me how I found out. They asked me how I knew it was something abnormal because breast tissue is naturally lumpy anyway. This is when the night got interesting!

I reached over to my cousin and put my hand down her shirt. Right there. In public. At a drag show. I felt both sides for lumps to see if anything felt abnormal. It then followed with everyone asking if I would check them. It made light of an awful situation, and I was glad to turn my lesson into something positive. I reached across the table down another shirt. Feeling around for any lumps or bumps that stood out to me. As silly as we were all being, I was concentrating. These were all lives, not people. It dawned on me how important commercials and ads were on making sure you KNEW what you were looking for. Here is a picture of us:

My friend asked me when I started this blog how I knew to get a lump checked out. I didn't. I found a lump in my left breast ten months ago. I freaked out and called the ER on a Saturday because I thought it was urgent. I talked to a nurse who calmed me down and asked me my symptoms. I told her it hurt, that it was movable, and got bigger when I had my period. She asked me if I drank caffeine and I had drank about 15 oz that day. She assured me it sounded exactly like a hormonal cyst and to follow up with my physician. I made an appointment to see him (who is VERY comprehensive and anal about everything) and he recommended I get a mammogram and ultrasound. I waited for the "referral department" to get back to me. When she called me back, the lump had gone down and not hurt anymore. It had been a week and I had already tricked myself into believing it was a cyst.

The lump would flare up every month. One time it got so big, my breast was noticeably bigger than the other. But it always hurt during my period or if I had a lot of caffeine. These are classic symptoms of a cyst.

Then one day I was writing down all of the things I had put on the back burner and ignored. This was one of them. I thought of my Aunt, my Grandma and my other Aunt and made the appointment. I realized that I still had this lump this long and it hadn't gone away, so I should at least have it looked at. I scheduled my Mammo and Ultrasound. The Mammo looked normal and the Ultrasound showed it wasn't a cyst. The referred me to a surgeon and it went from there.

I met with the surgeon who said since it was bigger than 1 cm, and I should have it taken out. We scheduled my surgery for December 10th. I wanted local anesthesia so I could be awake and see the "cyst." 

If you have a weak stomach, stop here. But this is a very important photo to me. After my surgery, I took this picture. I had no idea what it would mean to me at the time. I've titled it "Cancer in a Cup." Proof of what I was really dealing with.

So you want to know how I knew? I didn't. I tricked myself into believing it was fine. I don't want the same for anyone else. If there is anything positive from this, it would be that I could teach you something. 

My breast felt like it had a lymph node in it. Don't know what a lymph node is? Place your hand under your jaw and feel for a hard bump on each side. It should feel like a large marble, and these get swollen when there is infection. My lump was hard, movable and painful. But not all lumps are the same.

Your breast tissue should feel fatty. And lumpy at times. But you shouldn't feel a well defined border of something that doesn't feel like it's connected to the rest of your tissue. And if you EVER question whether your breast tissue is normal (it changes all the time) ask your doctor. If you don't get an annual physical, you probably at least get an annual pap. The Dr. checks your breasts for lumps and if you noticed a weird spot, mention it. The person who found mine was a physician's assistant. He is no specialist by any means, and he sees my little kids. I COULD have been embarrassed to ask, but he made me realize that if he questioned it, I probably should have. Right away. 

Check out this link: http://breastcancer.about.com/od/risk/a/lump_overview.htm

Go to the bathroom with your phone or sit at your computer. Take your hand, flat, and feel for any abnormal areas. Even if every commercial you've ever seen or ridiculously cheesy ad made you laugh, please don't take this lightly. I have emails and messages POURING in about what you can do for me. THIS is what you can do for me. RIGHT NOW. No more putting it off. No more wondering. 

Boobies

I'm pondering how I will accept all of this. I'm at home, alone, and ignoring people's messages. It's an awkward topic, I don't know what to say and I feel awful for bringing sadness into people's life. 

I'm looking up quotes, browsing Pinterest, and trying to keep myself motivated. I see people mentioning how strong I am but I don't feel strong. I feel defeated. I have faith that things will work out, but I feel small and insignificant. I know there are many more awful things going on around me, and feel terrible that I allow pity for what I have to go through. 

I look down at my breast, a small scar to remind me of what I am about to go through. I am scared to endure the physical and emotional roller coaster that Cancer has to offer. With the support I have through all of the lives I've had the pleasure of crossing, I know they will be strong for me when I am not.

My first post...

I shall start my first blog with this in mind. Shitty things happen, and there is plenty of time to wallow in your sorrow, but also plenty of time to start really living. 

A lot of my life I spent focused on other people. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but life is all about perspective. Most of my friends and family can account for me when I say that I'm the person everyone runs to for advice. I'm used to being the person to make people laugh, consider a different perspective, or just as easily look in the mirror. I'm a walking book of quotes and beliefs, a body composed of everyone I've ever known. I'm proud to say I have an open mind and a kind heart, and always consider someone's view, depending on their timing ;0.) 

It is hard to be the person that needs someone to lean on. I don't feel comfortable admitting defeat or asking for help. I've been proud to take care of two children, two dogs, a fish, a sugar glider, and all of my many friends who call daily for advice. I never say no to being there for someone, and give my all to my friendships and those I love. The Marine Corps has taught me that I need to be strong when all others are weak. It's taught me to think clearly in times of distress.

 I find so many of my attributes relating to my time in the military. So it only makes sense that in a time when I find out I have breast cancer, I feel incredibly stupid and humiliated telling people. I know four hundred million, thousand, trillion people fight this and deal with this. I also know I've overcome anything I have faced. A strange sense of "tell me your problems again so I can fix them for you" is shouting from deep inside of me. I want anything to be the person that people call on for help and not be their worry. 

I found out two days ago about a lump I've had for ten months. I beat myself up for waiting for so long, and worry about the results next week on how far it's spread. I know my children need me. Giving up is not an option. I am their warrior, their sole spokesperson. I am the main person who will fight for them when they can't. I NEED to be here. For them. 

With this quote in mind, I must remember to not wallow in pity. I must remember I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others. And I have to remind myself each minute I get is a gift and to cherish it. These little people have my whole heart and deserve the strongest and happiest version of me that I can give. :)