It's been a while, my friends. But I want to share my experience of giving birth to my newest addition, Abel Thomas Fischer.
I can't forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I don't remember why I thought I should take a test, but I knew I had one lying around from years ago. Michael was in the living room with Colton and Lilianna, and I snuck away to the bathroom. I peed on the stick and couldn't believe my eyes. Shit. Seriously!? But I'm taking birth control. And I was just told a couple months ago that my ovaries weren't functioning. And that I probably couldn't have kids after chemo and being put through menopause! How is this possible? I quick tell Mike I need to run to the drug store and get medication for constipation. I run out and call my best friend. "Katie! You'll never guess what! I just took a test and it says I'm freaking pregnant! How is this possible? I'm on birth control. They said I couldn't have kids! Do you think it is a false reading after having chemo?" I searched the internet for answers while searching the store for more pregnancy tests. I stock up and head home, ready to have another go around with the pee stick. The results are in... pregnant.
"Kids... go upstairs and play. Mommy needs to talk to Mike."
I tell Mike to sit down and explain we need to talk. "Ummm okay?" He looks at me reluctantly.
"I'm pregnant." "You're joking with me, right?" He says. Knowing that it was damn near impossible for this to be true.
"No, I'm not joking. I took three tests."
"Alright then, here we go!" he says. And just like that. Our journey began!
It's August 21st, 2014. We check in to the hospital at 6 AM. Bags are packed, make up done, cameras ready. We've had a couple practice runs thinking it was labor time, so we were more than ready to get the show on the road. After much consideration, I finally asked the Doctor to schedule to be induced. She was hesitant knowing my platelet count was on the low side and the possibility of no epidural was at chance. But I insisted I didn't want to wait any longer, especially knowing he was already a big baby. She explained to me at our last couple doctor appointments that she would give me Pitocin which would cause strong painful contractions and could make it harder on me for delivery, especially with no epidural. At my final visit, I knew it was time. I knew I had to meet him, and that regardless of my platelet count the day of delivery, I would be able to get through it.
The nurse hooks me up to the monitors and draws my blood. We await the results of my platelet count to see if I am eligible for an epidural. (Most Doctors won't administer an epidural if your platelets are under 100, and my last test revealed a 94.) I crossed my fingers as we waited for an answer to see if there was any chance they had gone up and I would get the epidural I so gladly appreciated with Colton and Lilianna. The results were in and my platelets were at a 73. The Doctor came in apologizing for the bad news and asked if I was ready to proceed. I had taken my mother's advice and read a few "natural birthing" books to prepare myself and was sure I was ready to take this all on.
7:30 A.M. and the nurse started the Pitocin. Mike and my friend Lauren kept me company as we waited for things to get rolling. The contractions started almost immediately after the meds did, but on and off around five minutes apart. The Doctor checked my cervix at the start of things and I was a "stretchy two" she called it. (A new running joke between us three now!) I wasn't thinning and baby's head was still a little high, so we hoped for the Pitocin to speed things up. The contractions mimicked what I felt with Colton and Lilianna with my epidural. They felt like severe period cramps that came and went, or as I explained to Mike, like "growing pains" you get in your teens. They were manageable and I was still able to entertain myself on my phone as well as through jokes with Lauren and Mike. The doctor returned around noon and not much had changed. I was around 3 cm and still not effacing, and the baby's head was still a little high. She explained that his head needed to come down before she could break my water because of risk of infection. She promised to return again around 3 P.M. and see if things were progressing. The contractions became a little more consistent but didn't increase much in strength. Mike's father and best friend, and Abel's soon to be Godfather came to visit and keep me company. I was surrounded by positivity, hospitality and sarcasm at it's finest. A perfect setting for myself indeed. :)
It was 2:50 P.M. and Dr. Murphy returned. I anxiously awaited the results of the newest progression in my cervix. I prayed things progressed and she could break my water, so that baby Abel could finally make his appearance. "3 cm, the head is low and you are starting to thin out. I think it's time to break your water." A huge sigh of relief came from all of us, as she took the plastic hook and got the party started. As water flew from down under, the Dr. laughed at the sight of her scrubs, now completely soaked. My belly felt so much lighter already and I knew that the end was near.
At 3:15 P.M. Active labor started. The contractions got stronger in intensity and longer in duration. Now around 2-3 minutes apart, I knew that this meant he would be born soon. The doctor had given me the option of IV pain medication during labor to help with relaxing through the process. Although it wouldn't change the intensity of the contraction or the pain of pushing, it would help me rest in between. As soon as active labor started, I called the nurse to start the pain medication. I rocked my body from side to side as I waited for the medication to take effect, and as soon as it hit me I was overwhelmed. I didn't like it. My body felt tingly and warm and my brain felt like it was spinning. A couple of seconds into it, and I felt better. Relaxed.
The contractions started to get very very strong. Stronger than I ever felt with my other pregnancies and the epidurals. I felt them radiate through my whole body as I rocked around and sang out loud each time one came. Mike and Lauren took turns with labor duties. One held my hand as I squeezed with all my might while the other one rubbed my legs and feet during the contractions- but only from the knee down.
Mike made me laugh and held me when I cried. He joked about Abel saying goodbye to his amoeba friends in the womb. "Harry it was great getting to know you, good luck with Sally. I hope things work out." "Amber I'll never forget you. Please don't forget me." I laughed thinking about it and cried when the next contraction came. I told them both they were amazing and perfect and I couldn't be doing this without them.
5:00 came and I begged for more medicine. The contractions were a minute apart and lasting almost a whole minute. The medicine helped me relax with the 20 or so seconds I had between them, and I focused on serenity and peace. I imagined my cervix opening and Abel coming through easily. When I caught myself crying from the immensity of contractions, I sang out loud to myself "I can't cry, I can't cry." It was as a reminder to myself that I was a warrior and a fighter and tough as balls, but also that crying could make me tense up and cause the cervix to get inflamed (or so I read.) I took each contraction as a mission to accomplish. I would catch myself getting caught up in the pain and force myself out of it by imagining serenity and letting my body go weak. The touches on my leg from Lauren and the sweet words of Michael telling me I could do it reminded me of who I was and what I was here to do. But most of all, I pictured my Mom. I knew she had my brother and I with no epidural, and I knew I could do it too. I was part of history- of millions of women who had given their all to create life and I was a part of something bigger.
5:15 and I told Mike to go get the Doctor. I felt like it was time to push. I could feel his head at the edge of my cervix, and it was heavy. The doctor came in and checked me. Earlier I was at a 6, and now I was at an 8/9. She explained that I was completely thinned out with the exception of one part, and if I switched positions she thought that his head might fit through. I turned on my left side and as soon as I did, I felt the most immense pain I have ever felt in my life. I hope I never forget this moment in my life, as it was an epiphany I have never ever experienced. I felt his head glide downward and it felt like a million pounds of steel resting on the wall of my vagina. I was struck with disbelief and amazement, as I had never imagined the way that this would feel. I yelled to the Doctor that I had to push, NOW. She told me to turn and asked me to bend at the knees with my feet in the air and push. As I did, she said, "Alright let's have this baby!" and put on her gear to suit up.
From this point forward, everything I read or prepared myself for went out the door. As the head of the baby, which felt like 100 pounds, sat on the edge of my vagina, I couldn't help but push. Up until this point in my life, I never really understood what that meant when women said they had the "urge" to push. And at this moment, I finally realized what they meant. If someone would have come up to me and suggested a game of tag "you're it" and I could leave the whole situation, I would have. All I wanted was to opt out- go back- and not do this. But I sat there, with a pain comparable to knives slicing me open, and actually WANTED to push for more. Maybe it's the gravity that makes you want it. You actually want nothing of it while going through it. But there's that mysterious "urge" that makes you want to push forward. I pushed with all I had, and for the first time ever, felt it ALL. I felt it open and Abel's head come through. I felt it when his head was through and I knew I still had the wideness of his shoulders and the whole length of his body yet to go. I looked up at the ceiling and asked God to take me away and do it for me, as I felt like my whole body was numb from the pain of contractions and knives and fire. I pushed with all of my might when all I wanted was to run away. But I had to. And I did. And it was the worst and best thing of my life.
5:39 P.M. and Abel Thomas Fischer makes his way into the world. Mike's face lights up with love and admiration and I try to find my way back down to the ground. I'm floating, in air, and in disbelief of what I had just done. 8 lbs, 12 ounces and 20 inches long. I hear his cry and I'm brought back down to earth. They wipe him off and hand him to me, skin to skin and we connect. My baby. My life. I created you and fought for you. I will protect you and love you and never let you down. Mike and I look at each other, kiss, and embrace the love and life we are surrounded in. An aurora of love and peace, and of perfection.
And this.... This is EXACTLY what life is all about.
