Feelings

I am having a hard time identifying all of my feelings. Usually, when I have a problem, I search inside myself to find out how I feel about it. I'll ask, "Missy, what are you actually feeling about this and why?" Then once I find out what I'm truly feeling about it, I'll ask myself how I can fix it. Then, I set a goal and tell myself to do it. I use this strategy day to day, in every occasion. I find the easiest way for me to understand something is first to understand why I am feeling a certain way to a particular problem.

This one seems harder to figure out. I've avoided many people because I suddenly don't understand myself anymore. I'm suddenly confused and lost in my own skin. I have a billion of thoughts hovering above me, and no one to decode them for me. I have feelings I can yet identify and have sadness for reasons I can't even find out. For a girl that knew exactly who I was, exactly what I deserve and exactly what I wanted... it is very hard for me to fathom that I suddenly don't belong in my own body.

I mentioned before that I felt like I was a walking infection. I feel like I have a red flag attached to me- a marker. A warning sign to others. It isn't that anyone made me feel that way. It isn't that I'm worried I'll die. It's that I suddenly feel, well, different. 

Have you ever had a REALLLLLLY bad dream and woke up the next day and it loomed around all of the day? It's as if you wanna forget you had that dream but it keeps coming back to haunt you, like "I really wish I hadn't have killed that octopus, I just can't get over it." That happens to me ALL the time. And this time, it ISN'T a dream. All day long I spend trying to not cry. Trying to fight for the happy, bubbly, out-going Missy who makes everyone laugh. The confident girl that spends all of her time cheering everyone up. I fight for that girl all day long. But then I remember who I am. And what I'm having to go through.

I solve the problems I recognize little by little. I know I will most likely have the genetic mutation my aunt does. I know that I will most likely have a double mastectomy followed by surgery. I know that if so, there is a 50% chance I will ovarian cancer and they will suggest a hysterectomy at 35, which would put me through menopause. I am preparing for chemo, for losing my hair. I am preparing for being tired, and fighting through it. I am preparing for seeing my patients while I have a wig on, no eyebrows, no eyelashes and probably scaring them. All of that I'm doing okay dealing with. It's the alienation it creates just by being cancer that I can't figure out. How it makes you feel like no one understands and yet makes you feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself. I know my blogging will help me through my journey. I know I'll soon understand things bit by bit. 

Until then, I look forward to becoming the girl who fit so well in her own skin....