Bed rest

I've had a lot of time to sit around and think. After surgery, it took a lot of sitting around and letting everyone ELSE do things for me.  At first I was so completely drugged up and out of it that I didn't mind. I was hardly aware of where I was or where I was sleeping. It's been over a week since my surgery and I have gained a lot of perspective over how hard this has really been.
When I seperated from my husband, it took a lot of work to become a very independent person. I had so much drive and determination to truly be happy with myself and do everything without the help of a boy. I have worked at this consistently since 2010 and made it a high priority to accomplish this goal. I have become a very independent, strong woman and have worked very hard to be able to provide for myself and my kids and be happy with my life. I love who my life's lessons have turned me into and the growth I've received from them.
After my surgery, I couldn't move my arms more than an inch from my body. My chest felt like it was cracked into peices, my back felt like it had been shattered and my breasts felt completely numb. It hurt to take deep breaths, and every movement was a sharp spark of pain in a new different area. Even getting up off of the couch without using my arms proved to be extremely difficult. I couldn't reach backward, therefore I couldn't pull my underwear down to go to the bathroom by myself. I couldn't raise my arms to wash my hair, I couldn't raise my arms to brush my own teeth, and I couldn't hug or hold my children. My kids came by and would ask, "Momma can I have chocolate milk?" and I would have to tell them to ask their grandpa. I couldn't change Colton's diaper, I couldn't hold water to my mouth to take my medication. I realized quickly how much help I really needed after this surgery.
For the first couple days, I didn't mind the extra company and the time to heal. After awhile I started to go crazy sitting in my house all day. I had stared at the tv for too long, gotten sick of books, and sat in the very same place for one week, with the exception of using the restroom. I felt so lost, so disappointed that I couldn't just hop in my car and drive to the gas station. Not only was I on pain killers, but I also had two drains coming out of my sides under my armpit, draining blood near my breasts. One was under the fold of the bottom of the breast, the other was under the muscle on the top of the breast. I couldn't lift my arms or more fluid would drain from the site. This would mean I would have to wear the drains longer. I could see the blood and fluid increase everytime I did too much, everytime I didn't rest. I knew what the doctors wanted, but craved to be a normal person.

I felt like a parapolegic person. I had a mind, I had a body, but I couldn't use it. I was stuck in the same place unless someone helped me to the next. I had given up all of my independence and freedom. I am so extremely thankful for all of the people who sent cards, gifts, called and texted, and especially for the people who visited me and helped me through this time. You are all an inspiration to me, and I couldn't have done this without you.
Nine days have gone by since surgery. I am so thankful I can move my arms up to brush my own teeth and wash my own hair. And I am thankful for some peace and quiet considering I can get my own food and drink. Two more weeks and I'll be starting chemo: a whole new journey for me to begin.