Overwhelming

The past week has been incredibly overwhelming for me. I spent more time in appointments and testing than I did on working and time with my kids. I took each appointment in stride and prepared myself for the next. It feels like you have to put on your armour before you go, so that you can face what they have to tell you. I take in all the information and pretend this seems normal for my life, but inside I can still remember when my problems were just boys, hair and nails.

I had an MRI of both breasts which showed that I still had suspicious areas all over the left, but none on the right. I has an IV placed in me, laid on the bed like superwoman for 45 minutes in a tiny little circular opening while they scanned me. The IV made my picture "contrast" which meant it helped to see the possibly cancerous cells.

I had another mammogram done on the opposite side which showed a small cyst, but completely normal.

I met with the plastic surgeon who showed me before and after pictures with my mom and Lilianna. He did measurements and explained what everything would entail. I would get expanders put in the day of the surgery after they remove all of the breast tissue on both sides. The expander looks like a really thick implant but with a small circe that sticks out a bit in the center. So when they place it under your skin, they can feel where they place the needle to fill it with saline over time, to stretch the skin and expand the breast. The stretching process takes up to two months max, and the expander is not replaced with implants until chemo is over with. When I looked at the pictures, I thought it would look a lot prettier than it did. But then I realized that these women were not getting augmentation. They didn't get to keep any of the tissue inside of their breast. Lots didn't get to keep their nipple and had scars over the center. In augmentation, you keep all of the inside and add some to make your breasts larger. In reconstruction, they take everything out and have to make it look fatty and normal again. So they can't just put an cirlce implant in and call it a day- it would be like two balloons under your skin. They have to take some of your own fat to inject and place around it and take collagen from a cadaver (with no living cells left) and have your cells integrate into it. I thought about the fact my breasts were the main source of nutrition for both my kids as infants and realized I'd not be able to breast feed ever again.

I met with the oncologist who was absolutely wonderful. I would come for chemo about 3 weeks after surgery at soonest, when my body is completed healing. Then I would get my first dose of chemo on a Thursday morning. It lasts for about 5 hours. There are 7 chairs seperated in their own divisions, equipped with built in heating and vibrations for massage. I'll have my own flat screen tv dropped down from the ceiling, wifi and laptops available upon request. I will get 4 doses, 3 weeks apart. The first week will be when I feel the sickest. I'll be nauseated, weak and tired. But they can give me meds for the sickness to try and help. The second week will be when I am most prone to infection. The chemo will literally kill any cells multiplying and dividing rapidly, so all of my white blood cells will be gone and I will have no immune system. The third week is when I should feel at my best. I will return to oncology at the end of the week and have my white blood cell numbers counted. If I am healthy enough, they will deliver chemo again and same steps apply. If I am not healthy enough, they will wait until I am before they deliver the next dose, which will stretch out my treatment.

Finally I get a call from the genetics department. They have my results. I tested positive for the genetic mutation called BRCA1. Initially, I assumed it was 2 because that is what my aunt thought she had. After the test and her release to have her records checked, they compared out results. I have the EXACT same genetic mutation in the exact same spot as my aunt. This means my mother passed this to me, and means that Lilianna has a 50% chance of having this gene as well. I have been through receiving genetic results before with Colton, so I wasn't upset or felt like I was a victim. I understand that knowing this information will be very helpful in my life ahead. It also means that at 28, I have to face the fact that I might develop ovarian cancer, will need my ovaries removed in the near future and will have a lot of testing to monitor me for the rest of my life. So instead of living ignorantly, peacefully, and pretending nothing else will happen to me because I've been through enough, I have to face that this is a possibility for my future and screen for it for a long time. Sometimes I just want to pretend, ya know? I just want to slip into my old childhood bedroom, put on my princess gown, play barbies and pretend there is no hurt or hardship in the world. But I know God wants me to face this now, to strengthen me for all that will come in my future.

Surgery is next Tuesday at West Allis Memorial Hospital. I arrive at 8:45 for testing and surgery starts at noon. I will have my sentinal node biopsy to see if any cancer spread to lymph nodes. Then I will be operated on for 7 hours in day surgery. Following, I will go to recovery for at least an hour to make sure I am doing alright. Then I will be transfered to the Women's Pavillion close to 9 at night and stay for about 2 days. I have to admit, I'm pretty excited my friend Shelly will be a nurse that night at the women's pavillion, so she can stop in and maybe say hi.

Thursday is Colton's palate surgery: a Double Furlow Z Plasty. This will correct his cleft palate so it closes completely and help aid in his speech development. He will stay in the hospital for about 5-6 days depending on how well he does, so momma and baby boy will be recovering together. I need at least 2 weeks off before I am even allowed to drive, so this next week shall be interesting. The good thing is that by the end of next week, Colton & I will end up being even better people than we were before. :)